I was fresh out of college. I had just landed my dream job. I was living at home making really good money so I could get myself on my feet and pay down college debt. My dad was a runner and healthy as can be. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late winter and was dead before Christmas after chemo and surgery ultimately failed. He was 46 and I was 23.
At the time I was almost numb. I was sad, but not as sad as you think ahead of time you would be in a situation like that. It was only with the distance of time that I realized how depressed I must have truly been.
I don't know how old you are, or what else you have going on in your life, but even if you think people can't help you, surrounding yourself with people that care about you is vitally important. I don't have any great insights other than to invest time and effort into the relationships with people who care about you and whom you care about.
In time, the loss of my dad has become a part of who I am. If there is one positive outcome it is that it has certainly helped me set priorities in life. I realized through that experience that possessions, money, promotions, career, etc... all the things that we think are important are so meaningless in the grand scheme of things (though it's shockingly easy for me to get complacent and forget this lesson). People are what is important. Love and caring for our families and friends is one of the only things we have that transcends time and space to make a difference in another human being.
At least he went fast from the time of diagnosis. If I get cancer, that's how I want to go: in a few months time from diagnosis. I don't want to spend several years being tortured with anxiety and fear and pain.
Unfortunately, it was not all the gradual, "smooth" downward progression of slowly coming to terms that one might imagine. Cancer is a cruel, cruel roller coaster ride. He responded to chemo + radiation really well and in the August before he died they went in to remove the tumor. I have a photo of him beaming ear to ear when we went out to dinner a few days before. He looked perfectly healthy and normal. We were all in high spirits that he'd be one of the few lucky ones that makes it through the death sentence that is pancreatic cancer. When the docs at Johns Hopkins opened him up to start removing the tumor, they realized what they thought was scar tissue left over from radiation was actually embedded inoperable tumor tissue embedded in the hepatic portal vein. So they closed him up and that was that. We went from an unbelievable high of thinking he'd beat this thing, to the very low reality that it was all over. They offered all sorts of exotic treatments, but he had lost the will to fight it anymore. He went home after recovery resigned to death.
So while it was certainly rapid, the highs and lows of it all made it much more emotionally wrecking than you might think from the timeline. But it was certainly quick. He was also fortunate to feel mostly fine for the vast majority of it.
At the time I was almost numb. I was sad, but not as sad as you think ahead of time you would be in a situation like that. It was only with the distance of time that I realized how depressed I must have truly been.
I don't know how old you are, or what else you have going on in your life, but even if you think people can't help you, surrounding yourself with people that care about you is vitally important. I don't have any great insights other than to invest time and effort into the relationships with people who care about you and whom you care about.
In time, the loss of my dad has become a part of who I am. If there is one positive outcome it is that it has certainly helped me set priorities in life. I realized through that experience that possessions, money, promotions, career, etc... all the things that we think are important are so meaningless in the grand scheme of things (though it's shockingly easy for me to get complacent and forget this lesson). People are what is important. Love and caring for our families and friends is one of the only things we have that transcends time and space to make a difference in another human being.